The Contract

The first light of dawn falls through the bedroom window and flood over the pillow and onto the slightly wrinkled face. Although his eyes are already closed, he squeezes them harder trying to ignore the bright rays ripping him from his sleep. He feels in no way ready to get out of bed. After all he only got into bed a few hours ago after a cleanly executed job. It had been a complicated affair last night. An executive of a fortune five-hundred company needed to be taken out, but it had to look like a prominent member of the board was to blame for the executive’s untimely demise. Loosening a few tyre bolts, making sure to leave visible scratches on both the tyres and the tools. Leaving said tools in the car of the board member to blame. Calling the police with an anonymous tip, that someone at the company wanted the executive dead. (Which was true as well, only it was not the framed board member). Then waiting for the executive to crash his car and verifying that he died. So many details, that had to work in perfect harmony for the scheme to be successful. And of course, everything had worked like clockwork.

He throws his legs over the edge of the bed and sits up with a moan. Covers his face in his big rough hands for a second. He shakes hid head slightly before he gets up and puts on a shirt and pants. Time for breakfast. He goes into the kitchen and starts the kettle. It still has water from yesterday and the mug is still loyally on the tabletop. He scoops a few spoons of instant coffee into the cup and leaves it next to the kettle. Grabs a slice of stale bread from the bread bag and throws it in the toaster.

He should feel good this fine, sunny morning since he just completed his first class 0 job, making him officially one of the seven best contractors in the world. He doesn’t feel great though. He feels just as gloom as every morning. The coffee is still muddy, the bread is still stale. Nothing has changes since yesterday. He goes to the front door to check for notes from the office. There are a few things that has dumped through the letter slot early in the morning. He picks up the lot and goes back to the kitchen, where the water has boiled. Pours the hot water in the cup. Throws the toasted bred on a plate. Sets both at the dining table. No butter in the fridge. He sighs; then sits at the table. Stale toast and muddy coffee. Breakfast of the gods. If the gods were poor and lived on the street.

He looks at the mail on the table. The top item is the newspaper. There is already a story; front page; about the executive who, according to the paper, may or may not have been the victim of a convoluted plot. He skims through the article. The journalist concludes that it was either the most tragic and random accident the town has seen in years, or a cold-blooded murder, committed by a board member. The paper has all the details exactly as they were planted the night before. They even have a picture of the board member being led to a police car.

He smiles and takes a big bite of the toast. Maybe today isn’t that bad after all. Toast and coffee is actually a great, yet simple breakfast. He doesn’t bother to read the rest of the paper. They only ever print tragedies anyways.

He picks up the next item of mail. An envelope that he knew would be there. The expensive paper and neat handwriting are easily recognisable. He opens it and pulls out the letter. As expected, it is a letter of gratulation for a Mr. Samuel Ames on his tenure at the University of Greenwich. Codewords, to ensure the letter means very little to someone reading it, who is not employed at the office. He, of course, understands that the letter is a confirmation that the job was executed to perfection, and the target has perished as requested by the client. What he didn’t expect was the plastic chip enclosed in the envelope. He picks it up and studies it for several seconds. The plastic disc looks very much like a sobriety chip. The little poker chip-like medallions given to addicts to mark milestones in their recovery. On the back it has the inscription, just like a sobriety chip: “God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change; courage to change things I can and wisdom to know the difference”. On the front it has a triangle and words along the edge, “To thine self be true”. A regular sobriety chip would have the words Unity, Service and Recovery around the triangle, and the time it represents in the middle. This chip however has the words Commitment, Stealth and Loyalty. And in the middle is a big zero with Class written under it. At a quick glance, most people would mistake this for a regular sobriety chip, or even a poker chip, for those who doesn’t know better. But the subtle difference makes this chip very special. So far only seven of them exist in the world.

He admires the chip for a few minutes before remembering there was one more letter on the table. He puts the chip in his pocked and picks up the last envelope. The paper is not nearly as nice as the other one, and the handwriting is somewhat messy. Like a child wrote it. There are three stamps on it, all crooked and way more postage than what was needed for sending this letter. He opens it hesitantly and pulls out the contents. The envelope contains a neatly folded letter, a picture and 22 dollars and 58 cents, all in small change.

He opens the letter and finds sloppy handwriting and plenty of spelling mistakes. The first line is what catches his attention: “Dear Sir. I know that you make people disappear.” He reads the line again, like he got it wrong the first time but there is no mistake there. He stares at the page and read the first line over and over. His heart is pounding, and he is completely forgetting to chew the mouthful of toast in his, now slightly open, mouth. This can only mean he is compromised, and someone knows what he does, and where he lives. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breathe. He was trained for this. All he has to do is pack the absolute essentials, give word to the office, and then disappear himself. In a few days he will have a new name, new apartment, and a new assignment. He is just about to get up, but something makes him stop. He looks at the letter, still in his hand, and decides to read the rest of it. As much as he needs to hurry, he is also very curious to learn where this letter came from.

He reads carefully through the letter. It turns out a young girl is asking for his help. She is not threatening to expose him or turn him over to the police. She is simply in need of his expertise. Apparently, she has given him all her savings that she earned from doing chores at home, as payment for the job. The letter is signed “Olivia, 7 years old”.

He looks at the letter for a few seconds and then leap to his feet. No time to waste. He starts throwing some clothes in a suitcase while dialling a number on his phone. He keeps packing while the phone rings. Finally, a young woman picks up “You have reached the offices of John and John, how may we be of service.” He responds while grabbing his toiletries and throwing them in the suitcase as well. “A number three, please”. The woman sounds confused now “Sir, this is not your regular pizza place”. He closes the suitcase as he is ready to leave the apartment. “With extra anchovies” he says, ignoring her confusion. She understands exactly what he means but keeps the confusion in her voice for effect. “Certainly sir. We are happy to help.” She hangs up the phone. He throws his on the floor and stomps on it. He is storming through the kitchen, on his way out, when he freezes by the table. The coffee cup is still steaming slightly, and the half-eaten toast sits patiently on the plate. He grabs both the letters from the table and gently stuffs them in his jacket pocket. Then he picks up the cash from Olivia’s letter and stuffs it in his trouser pocket, before finally hurrying out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Written 28/02-2021

The Writer

I don’t know what to put on these wretched pages. It has been eighteen days since I started this endeavour, and I have written only ten stories. I have plenty of conceptual ideas, but when it comes to actually writing them on paper it seems the words escape me, time and time again. I have tried to change my surroundings, and I have tried writing at different times of the day.

Occasionally, I find a groove that seems to work well, and a story drops from my fingers, to my keyboard. Unfortunately, what works today may not work at all tomorrow. It is almost like each story has its own setting in which it must be written. My work desk in my apartment seems all emptied out, like every story that exists in that setting has been written. I am now sitting in a scout house not far from where I live, hoping to get more words on the pages.

I am stressed. Not just from this book project, but from work, working from home, having dozens of projects I never seem to finish and have just as many chores, I can’t find the energy to do. I thought I was over the whole stress period. I thought I found a way to overcome it. And then it came back. A lump in the throat. The inability to fall asleep at night the lack of energy through the day. The constant nagging sensation, that no matter what I do, and how many things I finish, there will always be twice as many things that I still have to do. Never getting to the bottom of the pile and being able to just relax. And it only feeds the feeling, when I try to get something done, and nothing happens. I have important task at work, that I know how to do. But when I sit down to do them, I find myself staring at a screen for hours, with what feels like no progress to the task at hand, at all. This cycle of inactivity is slowly, but surely killing me. The feeling that I am stressed because I never get anything done and at the same time being unable to get anything done, because I am stressed.

You might think that working from home might at least offer some help on the matter. Saving time on transport and having more freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want. But in my experience, it has the opposite effect. When working from home it is much easier to postpone every task until later. Having the freedom to do whatever, whenever also means that I don’t have to do any specific task, right now. Everything I plan to do can technically wait till after lunch. Or till after one more short video on YouTube. Or till tomorrow if I don’t get it done today. Or till next week because I should relax over the weekend. Only I can’t relax. Every waken hour I am tense from the knowledge that I am highly inefficient at my work, hopelessly behind on chores, only less than half done with a series of projects and always struggling to do anything about any of this.

Right now, I’m working on this very ambitious book project. Thirty short stories in as many days. When I started it, I was in a good place, but over the last few days the stress has started to get to me. I have considered scrapping the project. Throwing in the towel, and calling it quits. Then I would at least have one less thing to worry about. One less thing that I am behind on. But if I do that, I will forever look back at this half-finished project and ask myself: Why didn’t I finish that one? I have everything I need to finish it, since all I need is a way to write these stories. Even though the stressing factor of having to write stories every day would be gone, another stress would surely ensue. The stress of failure and disappointment. A sense of freedom, of course, from not having this very tight schedule. But a sense of freedom, largely overshadowed by the feeling of inadequacy. The feeling of never being able to finish anything. The crippling feeling that I will never get out of this spiral of stress and self-loathing.

That is why I have set my mind on completing this project, no matter how ambitious and undoable it may seem at times. It has to be finished, and on time. No cutting corners, no pushing deadlines and no giving up because it is hard. It has to be done, because it has to be my proof to myself, that I can actually accomplish somethings, if I dedicate myself enough to it. This is my prophecy; a prophecy I will live to fulfill or die trying: When the thirtieth story is finished, on the thirtieth day of the project, I will finally be able to relax. I will enjoy that evening and I will sleep well that night. Now I know very well that the chance of finishing this project magically curing my stress, anxiety and wealth of self-inflicted mental issues is about as great as the chance of world peace by the end of this month. But the hope that it might help and the belief that it can, at the very least, give me one thing to be proud of, is what keeps me going. And I have to keep going!

Written 26/02-2021